An Agreement with God

And He said to them, "Why are you timid and afraid, O you of little faith?"

Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great and wonderful calm.

- Matt 8:26

After whining and whining for days to Him about my never-ending-anxiety,

finally today we reached our win-win solution and decided our agreement already.

So, I told Him...

This is me and from this day forward,

I promise I'll try to stop worrying about who I will become, what happen that will be on my way, and what path should I choose.

I'll try to stop questioning why I have to feel this kind of crisis, why all things seem so unsure, why I have to endure this never-ending-black-tunnel-that-seems-lead-me-nowhere, and so on.

Yet, I'll start to re-build myself and re-new my fighting spirit.

I told Him, I wouldn't care anything else, but declaring the war between me and the-me-that-blocking-my-path.

Because, I know now..., the only person that standing on my way is myself.

She's the only one I have to fight off....

And that will be my main and only job.

For the compensation on His part...

I asked Him to take this anxiety off from me.

I gave it to Him and told Him to take care of it, because I don't want to be bothered by it anymore.

Whatever it is, now it's on His hand already... It's not my problem any longer.

So, simply said, we will divide the work...

He will be focusing Himself on transforming my anxiety into something good in the future, while I will be focusing to fight myself off to reveal the best side of me.

That's our deal.

We shook our hands already.

And we both agreed :D

-Seattle, September 1st 2011

Semoga Tuhan tidak bosan mendengar namamu...

yang kusebut selalu dalam doaku :)

Love you, Yudha Sancaka

Today is Your Best Day, Yet

The writing below is a bridesmaid's speech on the wedding of my friend's sister.
I heard it again and again today as I was doing the editing, and it bursted me into tears

Here, I share it now with you :)

Me and Yunny already been together for about 16 years today...
And every time we meet, we always say that
"Hey, this is the best experience!"
"This is the best shopping trip!"
"This is the best coffee!"
"This is the best conversation!"
But apparently, the next time we hang out again, we'll say...
"Wait..., hold on. Wait a minute... This is actually the best thing!"
...
We went to Japan last year, and then we thought: "Okay this is the best, really.. This is the best. Nothing can top this anymore."
But when we got home, as we grabbed our blackberry and we texted each other... Again, we was like... "Wait..., this is actually the best conversation we ever had!!!"

So...see, the best experience doesn't depend on the scale or the expense... But the best experience depends on who you shared it with, it depends on your heart attitude, and it really depends on what you take from that experiences.

Today is the same thing. Today is your wedding day..., so you may feel this is the best day of your life.
But I'm back to differ :)
Because Yunny, you'll wake up tomorrow and you'll look at your husband..., and you'll see "Wow, i never loved him this much!"
And Handy, you'll look at Yunny and you'll say "Wow, I've never seen her so beautiful ever in my life..."

So see, the next day... Tomorrow always be better than today, and today always be better than yesterday.
So today is not your best day. Today is your best day yet.

Because today is not our best day. It's only our best day, yet :)

Quarter-Life-Crisis Babbling

Dear Gusti...

Okeh... Saya mau babbling ngawur dulu skarang

Baeklah... I guess I'm currently in the middle of quarter life crisis ya.
Hufffff, knapa si musti aneh2 kya gini?
Ga bisa ya hidupku normal tanpa pikiran aneh2 gini?
*protes mode, huehuehuehue...

Jujur, aku bingung mau ngapain skarang...
Ngerasa ada pressure umur n ga jelas bgt di depanku sekarang.

Kyanya taun 2011 ini bener2 taun aku dikasih kesempatan buat nata hidup n perasaan aku satu-satu lewat masalah-masalah yang ada ya.
Awal 2011 kemaren, aku burnt out... Aku jatoh sejatoh-jatohnya...
Kehabisan energi, ketakutan, ga tau musti ngapain n ke mana...
Then I spent my 3 months traveling around... It recharged my spirit back
Not to mention, masalah hati selesai seselesai-selesainya...
As if You put me on those lost phase to resolve those matter...

And now I'm back to Seattle...
Full power, masalah hati selesai, ready to fight again...
But then, now this is time for quarter life crisis hits me badly...
Yessss, been thinking and worrying this since about a year...
Dan sepertinya saat ini, sabarku lagi sampai pada puncaknya
Bukan gara2 galau si... Tapi justru gara2 energiku pulih, aku pingin gerak maju secepat yang aku bisa.
Dan keinginan ini sepertinya akhirnya bikin aku semacam gelisah ga sabar...

Mau protes knapa musti ada acara quarter life crisis segala... Di saat kya gini pula
Hufffff, iya si, better now than later...
Yudha bener... Apa aku mau kya couple of my friends, being a dad already, having a children but still lost?
Di umur segitu, masih ga tau musti ngapain...
Di umur segitu, operating systemnya masih ga jalan sempurna...?

Okay, kenapa sekarang? Kenapa ga dari dulu2?
But better now than never, isn't it?
Klo dibilang late..., well... Even I think there's couple friends on my age still on the same stage with me now.
The differences might be...., aku mengolah setiap emosi yang aku rasain saat ini.
Aku sadar dan menelusuri setiap emosi-emosi itu, memaknai maksud dan tujuannya, dan berusaha berprogres ke arah yang lebih baik.

Setiap orang ga pernah dikasih cobaan yang lebih dari kemampuannya...
Dan i believe You give each of us a different challenge and obstacles based on our characteristic, which would make us grow to be a better person in the future
IF we pass it well...
Dan aku percaya, situasiku saat ini, blessing or curse, whatever it is... adalah yang terbaik buat aku
Dan aku percaya, kalau aku dikasih situasi dan krisis kya gini, it's for my own good
Without problem and crisis, how can people evolving themselves into a better person?

Dan aku yakin, pergulatan saat ini... Cuma sarana yang Kau kasih buat aku berkembang lebih dan lebih baik lagi...
Aku ga mau lewatin krisisku dengan nyerah dan jadi bitter n give up... :)
Terserah orang mau bilang apa... Aku yakin setiap orang mengalami pergulatan yang sama dengan kondisi dan situasi yang berbeda :)
This is only temporary, to build a better me :)

Kekuatanku sekaligus kelemahanku adalah... Aku peka sama setiap perasaan dan emosi terkecil yg aku rasain dan berusaha mengolahnya...
Aku bergulat setiap harinya... Walau orang mungkin ga menyadari itu...

So yah, Gusti Allah sing welas asihhhhh
Lead my way...
Aku akan berjuang sebaik-baiknya... Mencoba berkembang sebaik-baiknya
Bersabar sebaik-baiknya...
Keep pushing the wall... With the better weapon each time :)
I'll live this anxiety now... And perhaps i'll gradually live closer each day to the answer :)

Matur nuwun Gusti
Matur nuwun...

Matur nuwun ga ngerasin hati aku untuk ngelihat ini :)

A Simple Miracle

Who says miracle requires a big work of Art?

It can be happened on a very simple thing.
Well, at least for me... :)

Actually, since couple weeks ago, I've been into deep thinking about something, about which path I should take..
And it bothered me a lot.
And to make it worser, I found it's hard for me to explain what I thought well...
Been kinda frustrated somehow :D

Today, suddenly I felt the urgue to go to Sacred Heart Catholic Church, one place that never ceased to comfort me since before
So I went there and as i entered the place...
I knew I'm home.

Then, I was standing there, in front of the Sacred Heart of Jesus Christ statue, crying out what I was worrying about.
Stood there for quite a while, just stood there...

But suddenly, out of nowhere, one old lady approached me and handed me a St. Mary's medal.
"You might need this. It seems like you are in the middle of making a hard decision. Can we pray together?"
I froze as she said that.
And I looked upon Him and whispered softly... "Gusti, is that You?"

Then we knelled together, prayed Our Father and Hail Mary for a while, and followed with a short conversation about what decision I'm about to make.
I tried explaining it, though i was worried to be judged as always...
To be told that it meant I gave up. To be told I was stupid to think to jump.
But surprisingly she looked at my eyes and said she understood my point.

Again, I froze and gazed Him again... "Gusti, is that You?"

Once You said, "Kamu ga akan pernah sendirian"
And again, You proved it to me... as You always did.

So I thanked her as I was about to leave the church. And she gave me another card with Serenity Prayer on it.
She whispered "Pray to know God's will. Not your will, or your parents and your surrounding's will. I'll pray for you as well"

I couldn't say anything else then, just whispered thank you repeatedly.

And a slight of tears slipped down from my eyes.
To meet her there, I believe it wasn't a coincidence...

A miracle? Yes, it is...
Sesederhana itu.

what she gave me

Thank you old lady... You don't know how much your simple greeting meant for me :')

For I Finally Found You

With those long list about my flirting and playing history

With everything that I have stupidly done in the past

With all harsh judgement and assumption that ruining my reputation to the end

...

Yet you still take me as the way I am...

Never questioning why...

Never look down on me...

Thank you.

Yes, I finally found you :)

Kamu dalam Doaku

Kubawa kamu dalam doaku. Selalu

Sekedar mengingatkan Tuhanku

Kalau kamu, aku mau... :)

That night, my soul saw you and said...

"Ahhh..., there you are" :)

A bit of sign, God...

Would You?

500 Days of Summer... and You (continued)

On the second thought..., if I think again now,

Why didn't it work for me and him together?

Why I ended up being such a cruel person for him, while I never meant to be that?

Then if my biggest issue when I was with him was about a commitment and marriage issue, why not so long after I broke up with him, I met this person and I had no problem about the same idea?

...

Well..., maybe it's only because we weren't meant to be together?

Because, there's another person we're destined to be with?

Tom: What happened? Why - why didn't they work out?
Summer: What always happens. Life.

Till then, dear

I hope one day you'll understand

500 Days of Summer... and You

I was spending my Saturday night, watching this movie again. And yes, somehow it brought me into a deep thinking and kinda guilty feeling...

Basically the film tells about a beautiful woman named Summer that doesn't believe that true love exists and a man that falls to her. Along the movie, they were getting closer... They spent their times together, holding hand, kissing, love making, and stuff. Though, she insisted on her words, they were only just friend. She didn't want to put a label on their relationship. And apparently it drove him crazy as time went by, but somehow, with her charm, she always could persuade him to understand.

Then long story short, at the end of the movie, she suddenly married with somebody else... leaving him alone with his feeling and memory about her.

Well, back then..., when I watched this film with my ex-bf, he said he liked this film. Why? Because it showed how bitch and cruel a woman can be.

And as I watched this movie again, I just couldn't help remembering it...

After all of these times, I think I ended up being perfectly Summer for him...

Playing around... Doing whatever I wanted... Using my charm to make him understand, because I knew he would do that for me...

Tom: Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.
Summer: I know.
Tom: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.
Summer: And I can't give you that. Nobody can.

And at the end, I just used simply excuse like her

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

While I guess... if he could, maybe he really wanted to tell me these

Tom: You know what sucks? That everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit. It sucks.

Hufffff.... as I watched those film again, the memories recalled and I felt really guilty last night.

I thought about how Summer I was before for him...

I thought why it didn't work and why I ended up acting like that.

Maybe again, this Summer's quote was right...

Summer: You were right... It's just me you weren't right about

Yah... maybe it just me he wasn't right about.

A year I put him on hold with excuses that I didn't want to commit in a relationship. I made him wait and wait, while I was busy playing around with other people as well. Whenever he was about to give up and move on, I used my charm to persuade him to stay. It's been a year before finally he tired completely and gave me the ultimatum that this time he definitely would move on.

That time I was confused, I still wasn't sure about being in a relationship with him yet, but I was too afraid to be left behind. So I said yes...

I thought I made a right decision, but apparently I only postponed the problem for a while and made it worser at the end...

Hufffff... whenever I think again how sembarangan I was and how much I hurt him back then, hurt me as well.

So you, dear....

I'm so sorry for being such a bitch before. I never meant to

And wherever you are now, I wish you tons of happiness, more than when you were with me...

You were always right, whatever you believed in... about commitment, compromise with each other, and so on

It just me you weren't right about...

Hope you'll find your "Autumn" soon, because you deserve the best...

Sorry I couldn't be that one.

A Thing that Worth Fighting For

Beside a natural flirter, I'm also a natural fighter, apparently :)

Once I find something that worth fighting for, I won't stop until I get it.

No matter what it will take, no matter what it will cost.

I guess it applies in love, as well ;)

...

Been knowing him for almost 2 years, but never really talked before.

Until one night after my #AussieTrip 3 months ago, casually I sent him an ordinary Happy Easter message, which somehow led us into a bbm chat for hours and hours.

We stopped only because we had to sleep, and later the next day, it continued...

Day by day.

I had nothing in mind, but I felt he was a good friend to talk about everything.

Can you imagine, we could talk randomly from life, spirituality, naughty things, sex, God and religion at the same time.

The conversation that night finally led us into a scheduled beer talk later one day.

A beer talk that worth each second :)

Since then, I felt closer to him... but never thought about the possibility of being more than friends.

I knew he had a fiancee already, and I just recovered from my broken heart phase.

I was too tired about starting a new story afterall.

Having a good friend to talk about everything was more than enough.

But, apparently somewhere in my deepest heart kept telling me

"hey, I think, he's for you, Sara."

Immediately I rejected that thought...

"for me? Are you kidding me? He already has a fiancee, tolol!"

I kept rejecting that idea even we were getting closer day by day...

Even I guess I got attracted to him already.

But as I listened to his story, I just couldn't help thinking,

"Is he happy with her? If he isn't, why should he wasted his time with a person that couldn't appreciate him well? while I guess, I could treat him better?"

Started from then, I questioned my heart, should I fight for it?

Should I put myself as a third person in someone's relationship again?

Blon kapok, Sar? :p

Shouldn't I be afraid about what other people think about me if they knew?

Shouldn't I tired being a secret in front of anyone else?

Shouldn't I tired to be put aside after somebody else's sake?

There were times I almost gave up completely...

Battling with my thought, my worries, and reality.

Then I thought and I told myself

Hey, doesn't a girl named Sara Lea Tunas never give up before she fight her best?

Hey, isn't it my right to fight and give him another option, while it's his right to refuse?

Hey, about what other people think, preketekkk... I never care about it since before anyway

Hey, maybe it'll hurt, but aren't I already get used with this kind of pain?

So yah... there I fought my best...

And surrendered...

What would be, let it be... I was only giving him an option...

But if at the end he chose the otherwise, what could I say...

There I would give up.

Seriously, I just wanted seeing him happy... That's all I wished for

He just deserve to be loved....

Along the way...

Sometimes it was hurt... Sometimes it numbed me from inside...

Sometimes I cried... Sometimes I considered about give up and walked away...

Sometimes I got angry with myself, why again I put myself into another mess like these?

But the very end I almost gave up, these little voice inside whispered me...

"Endure it a little more... just endure it a bit more"

"ya ollooooh, berjuang Sar! fiancee doaaang, janur kuning belon melengkung woyy. Masih ada kesempatan berjuang! Biasanya kamu udah no hope sama suami orang je" xD

"I guess, dia buat kamu kok, Sar..."

For a moment in time, Daniel Bedingfield's If You're Not The One was my soundtrack of life.

Hahahaha :))

"I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?"

Yes, this might sound silly...

But somehow I knew I did the right thing to keep fighting

despite what other people might think :)

And I believed if it's fate, there would be a way.

If it's not, then I would just let go... as always, as before.

And long story short, after all of dramas along the way...

After tears and bleeding heart...

Here we are :)

Again, it's not a sweet fairy tale...

This just a story, about two people that already too tired of dramas and broken heated

About two people that really want to be together in a good way.

There's no such a happily ever after.

It was tough from the start, and there will be another tough times, I know.

But I've fought for it, and I'll keep fighting for it.

Because I know, he is one thing in life that worth fighting for :)

So Better Things Can Fall Together

Been quite a while not writing anything :)

And yes, since then I've been lost and falling down, then followed by accepting and letting go phase.

Accepting that if God took people away from my life, it should be for a MUCH BETTER reason.

At that point I surrendered and let everything go.

I went to #AussieTrip to collect all the pieces of feeling and memories and after then I knew I was done and done...

Funny thing, once I accepted and let everything go, all at once everything seemed getting better and better...

It made me understand, why all those dearest people had to walk away all of sudden from my life.

Because once I let them go, I just give someone better a chance to walk in.

And somehow, when he walked in, suddenly I see..., why things didn't work before with other people :)

Never felt this way before...

Matur nuwun Gusti Allah, boleh ini yang terakhir ya? :)

There's a Time for Everything part 2

Yes, nothing last forever and there's a time for everything.
All over again :)

Too many updates happened since the last time i wrote the blogpost.

But well, the funny thing about life is.... when you finally begin to plan something and think that you know where you're going to, suddenly the path change...
And yes, it did happen...

I went back home on the journey to find back my own light and met my dearest people.
I looked for comfort and strength, for companion on my hardest moment of time
Yet...,
I got ignored by person who I thought would care of me...
I broke up with my boyfriend (well, i should say my ex then)...
Then at the same time, when i ran into my good friend, my emergency button.
The last hope i could rely on, the best one i could talk to...., but things got really complicated.
Lot of things going on...
And long story short, another goodbye exist.

Alone, it hit me bad.
Just like universe went against me in everything, left me completely alone.
And I fell further down and hit the ground.
Scattered... Broken into pieces.
Completely lost with no one to run to and to comfort me...

And there was a week I fell to the lowest point of my life.
A week i spent with tired fake smile, just to make world see that i seemed okay.
A week of no spark in my eyes, only pain that shined there.
A week of with grey aura...
With friends I was laughing, but feel nothing
With beer and tequila every other night, sitting on the corner of Lucifer bar
With non stop cigarets smoke, blowed from my mouth (when actually i was clean from smoking thingy before)
Why did I do so? Dunno...
Because sometimes, the feeling is beyond words....
"dan ada hal-hal yang cuma bisa dilegakan oleh hembusan asap", that was my friend told me....
I was simply dying inside

But then after a week being broken, I just feel enough
tried to remember... And to accept...
There's a time for everything....
A time to hold on and a time to let go.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
And these words, all over again, simply true.

"Nothing is forever and the time comes when we must say goodbye to the world we know.
Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted. Goodbye to those we thought would never abandon us.
And when these changes finally do occur,
when the familiar has departed and the unfamiliar has taken its place,
all any of us can really do is to say hello and welcome."
- Desperate Housewives -

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept.
There are people we can't live without but have to let go.
I just have to let go. It will be okay.

If people comes to our path for reasons, God takes them away for a MUCH BETTER reason.
Their purpose in my life is simply done. The prayer I sent above has granted.
Time to move on.

Then I just felt enough with my down and lost phase...
And funny, after I accept all the situation and this hurtful moment,
I feel much better than what i felt these last couple months.
I feel lighter inside....
If I felt that It was completely pitch black in front of me before, suddenly I see the ray of light
I began to step further and gathered every pieces of me that scattered.

After falling down to the lowest point, the empty space that left for me is to climb up above.
And that's what I'm doing now. Slowly but sure...

And I'll be okay soon...
And i know.... The star inside of me, starts shining again, once more :)

And now, for all of you that stayed with me at my downfall moment...THANK YOU!
I do really grateful for having you all in my life...
*hug and kisses

When The Star Lost Its Shine

images are from here

What will be happen when a star, that used to show the lost soul their way back home, suddenly lost its shine and get lost?
That's the question that has been haunting me since the beginning of this year.

I hate to admit, but yet I'm currently messed up.
Somehow, I've been lost and don't know which direction I'm running to.
It feels like I've been exhausted mentally... I keep asking myself "Do you know where are you going to, Sara?"

People said "Run if you can, walk if you must, crawl if you have to. Just don't stop!"
I know I've been running the whole time, I rarely did walk or crawl.

Inside of me, there's tons of bright positive energy awaits to be shared to other. There's a strong will that drive me to do my best in everything I do. There's a spirit that makes me able to make something impossible become possible.
People who knows me well, know what kind of girl I am.
People who knows me well, know how I always smile sincerely to others and emits positive energy to my surrounding
People who knows me well, know how I pray to be the light that shines in the darkness and how I fight to make it true.

But right now, somehow I can't run... Neither even walk.
Somehow I feel exhausted and overwhelmed by random things.
The usual spirit inside somehow defected and I couldn't be the usual me that I used to be.

It's been happening since the beginning of this year,
yet at first I kept telling myself that I have to keep on running, at least walking.
I kept forcing myself to win this battle on my own.
I kept telling myself, I'm a strong girl....
Stronger that anybody could imagine. So I had to stand strong still.
I was lost but I kept insisting to shine to other people
And at the end, it just caused me lost more further and deeper.

images are from here

At one point, when it was more than what I could bear of.... I surrendered.
I cried for help to my dearest and closest people of mine....
I began to fall and broken, yet they reached out my hand and pulled me back...
I told them, I'm lost... I told them, I couldn't run anymore or even walk, even hardly crawl.
I'm scared to be blamed, I'm afraid to be judged

Yet, they all said the same thing...
"You need rest. It's fine. You've been so strong. You've been fighting your best along these time.
You've been putting other people first, more than yourself.
Even a hero has the right to be bleed.
Stop running. It's fine... It doesn't mean you give up.
Go retreat for a while and search within."

I cried...
I've been running and fighting my best. I always thought I'd need to always do so...
In order to be loved, in order to be accepted.
I'm exhausted but was afraid to left behind. I'm lost but was afraid to be judged.
I'm overwhelmed but was pretending to be strong and fine.
Little did I know, it just made all situation worser...
It filled me up inside with crankiness and negative emotion.
I lost even more...

But then I know I'm still loved, I'm still accepted. As the way I am.
I'm weak but dear, I'm crying but yet still dear.
It's fine like that, then it will be fine.
People who are dear to me understand, then the rest opinion, who cares?

images are from here

And so, now I take a step back and retreat...
I'm lost right now and I admit it.
But I know I'll be fine....

Therefore, to those I ever sparked my light to...
To those I ever showed your way back home and helped you shine once again...
Would you like to spark a bit of your light to me now?

This time, I think it's me that need a guiding light :)

Stella Pacis, All Over Again

Star of wonder, star of night

Star with royal beauty bright

Westward leading, still proceeding

Guide us to Thy perfect Light!

(We Three Kings of Orient Are)

Today, I was coming to church and having my first mass in 2011.

Frankly said, at first I was hesitated to come... (I'm not really a frequent church-goer #confession *sigh) but then I decided to come, since I thought it would be nice to start a brand new year with a good start. And I thought..., I simply need that.

Then at my first mass in 2011, I was really surprised to find out that we were celebrating epiphany, the manifestation of divine being of Jesus Christ to human being, that was represented by the Magi.

From the bible, we believe that not long after Jesus Christ was born in the small stall, there were three Magi Kings looking for Him, for the King of Jews that had been written by the prophets before.

As they were searching for him, there was one bright shining star that had been leading and guiding them through the dark night.

By it's help, they were able to find the baby Jesus there and did the homage to Him, the new born King.

I believe it wasn't a coincidence at all...

My first coming to church in 2011 and everything there was all about the star.

Bright star that guiding three Magi King to find Him and do the homage.

Bright shining star that proceeding them through the dark night and showing their path into Thy Light.

...

Bright shining star that leads and guides people through the darkest night...

Does it somehow ring a bell? ;)

Yeah... You guessed it right,

.... my concept of Stella Pacis... Star of peace :)

Yeah, star...

since the very first, since the beginning of human existence, star has been used as a guiding light

Star...

It shines brightly even in the darkest sky at night, so every lonely heart who tries to look above and gaze around will find a companion

Star...

It greets each lost soul, gives them hope, and shows them their way back home.

And today,

I believe it was another universe sign for me...

For reminding me... that above everything in this world, I just wanna be a star

For reminding me... that it's the only reason why I keep fighting my best until this present time

For reminding me... that in order to do so, firstly I have to find my own light that makes me able to shine for others

For reminding me... that I should not give up... though it still takes a long way to go :)

Stella Pacis, a star of peace

A star that shines for others and gives hope to everyone who see...

God, one day,

may I?