Semoga Tuhan tidak bosan mendengar namamu...

yang kusebut selalu dalam doaku :)

Love you, Yudha Sancaka

Today is Your Best Day, Yet

The writing below is a bridesmaid's speech on the wedding of my friend's sister.
I heard it again and again today as I was doing the editing, and it bursted me into tears

Here, I share it now with you :)

Me and Yunny already been together for about 16 years today...
And every time we meet, we always say that
"Hey, this is the best experience!"
"This is the best shopping trip!"
"This is the best coffee!"
"This is the best conversation!"
But apparently, the next time we hang out again, we'll say...
"Wait..., hold on. Wait a minute... This is actually the best thing!"
...
We went to Japan last year, and then we thought: "Okay this is the best, really.. This is the best. Nothing can top this anymore."
But when we got home, as we grabbed our blackberry and we texted each other... Again, we was like... "Wait..., this is actually the best conversation we ever had!!!"

So...see, the best experience doesn't depend on the scale or the expense... But the best experience depends on who you shared it with, it depends on your heart attitude, and it really depends on what you take from that experiences.

Today is the same thing. Today is your wedding day..., so you may feel this is the best day of your life.
But I'm back to differ :)
Because Yunny, you'll wake up tomorrow and you'll look at your husband..., and you'll see "Wow, i never loved him this much!"
And Handy, you'll look at Yunny and you'll say "Wow, I've never seen her so beautiful ever in my life..."

So see, the next day... Tomorrow always be better than today, and today always be better than yesterday.
So today is not your best day. Today is your best day yet.

Because today is not our best day. It's only our best day, yet :)

Quarter-Life-Crisis Babbling

Dear Gusti...

Okeh... Saya mau babbling ngawur dulu skarang

Baeklah... I guess I'm currently in the middle of quarter life crisis ya.
Hufffff, knapa si musti aneh2 kya gini?
Ga bisa ya hidupku normal tanpa pikiran aneh2 gini?
*protes mode, huehuehuehue...

Jujur, aku bingung mau ngapain skarang...
Ngerasa ada pressure umur n ga jelas bgt di depanku sekarang.

Kyanya taun 2011 ini bener2 taun aku dikasih kesempatan buat nata hidup n perasaan aku satu-satu lewat masalah-masalah yang ada ya.
Awal 2011 kemaren, aku burnt out... Aku jatoh sejatoh-jatohnya...
Kehabisan energi, ketakutan, ga tau musti ngapain n ke mana...
Then I spent my 3 months traveling around... It recharged my spirit back
Not to mention, masalah hati selesai seselesai-selesainya...
As if You put me on those lost phase to resolve those matter...

And now I'm back to Seattle...
Full power, masalah hati selesai, ready to fight again...
But then, now this is time for quarter life crisis hits me badly...
Yessss, been thinking and worrying this since about a year...
Dan sepertinya saat ini, sabarku lagi sampai pada puncaknya
Bukan gara2 galau si... Tapi justru gara2 energiku pulih, aku pingin gerak maju secepat yang aku bisa.
Dan keinginan ini sepertinya akhirnya bikin aku semacam gelisah ga sabar...

Mau protes knapa musti ada acara quarter life crisis segala... Di saat kya gini pula
Hufffff, iya si, better now than later...
Yudha bener... Apa aku mau kya couple of my friends, being a dad already, having a children but still lost?
Di umur segitu, masih ga tau musti ngapain...
Di umur segitu, operating systemnya masih ga jalan sempurna...?

Okay, kenapa sekarang? Kenapa ga dari dulu2?
But better now than never, isn't it?
Klo dibilang late..., well... Even I think there's couple friends on my age still on the same stage with me now.
The differences might be...., aku mengolah setiap emosi yang aku rasain saat ini.
Aku sadar dan menelusuri setiap emosi-emosi itu, memaknai maksud dan tujuannya, dan berusaha berprogres ke arah yang lebih baik.

Setiap orang ga pernah dikasih cobaan yang lebih dari kemampuannya...
Dan i believe You give each of us a different challenge and obstacles based on our characteristic, which would make us grow to be a better person in the future
IF we pass it well...
Dan aku percaya, situasiku saat ini, blessing or curse, whatever it is... adalah yang terbaik buat aku
Dan aku percaya, kalau aku dikasih situasi dan krisis kya gini, it's for my own good
Without problem and crisis, how can people evolving themselves into a better person?

Dan aku yakin, pergulatan saat ini... Cuma sarana yang Kau kasih buat aku berkembang lebih dan lebih baik lagi...
Aku ga mau lewatin krisisku dengan nyerah dan jadi bitter n give up... :)
Terserah orang mau bilang apa... Aku yakin setiap orang mengalami pergulatan yang sama dengan kondisi dan situasi yang berbeda :)
This is only temporary, to build a better me :)

Kekuatanku sekaligus kelemahanku adalah... Aku peka sama setiap perasaan dan emosi terkecil yg aku rasain dan berusaha mengolahnya...
Aku bergulat setiap harinya... Walau orang mungkin ga menyadari itu...

So yah, Gusti Allah sing welas asihhhhh
Lead my way...
Aku akan berjuang sebaik-baiknya... Mencoba berkembang sebaik-baiknya
Bersabar sebaik-baiknya...
Keep pushing the wall... With the better weapon each time :)
I'll live this anxiety now... And perhaps i'll gradually live closer each day to the answer :)

Matur nuwun Gusti
Matur nuwun...

Matur nuwun ga ngerasin hati aku untuk ngelihat ini :)

A Simple Miracle

Who says miracle requires a big work of Art?

It can be happened on a very simple thing.
Well, at least for me... :)

Actually, since couple weeks ago, I've been into deep thinking about something, about which path I should take..
And it bothered me a lot.
And to make it worser, I found it's hard for me to explain what I thought well...
Been kinda frustrated somehow :D

Today, suddenly I felt the urgue to go to Sacred Heart Catholic Church, one place that never ceased to comfort me since before
So I went there and as i entered the place...
I knew I'm home.

Then, I was standing there, in front of the Sacred Heart of Jesus Christ statue, crying out what I was worrying about.
Stood there for quite a while, just stood there...

But suddenly, out of nowhere, one old lady approached me and handed me a St. Mary's medal.
"You might need this. It seems like you are in the middle of making a hard decision. Can we pray together?"
I froze as she said that.
And I looked upon Him and whispered softly... "Gusti, is that You?"

Then we knelled together, prayed Our Father and Hail Mary for a while, and followed with a short conversation about what decision I'm about to make.
I tried explaining it, though i was worried to be judged as always...
To be told that it meant I gave up. To be told I was stupid to think to jump.
But surprisingly she looked at my eyes and said she understood my point.

Again, I froze and gazed Him again... "Gusti, is that You?"

Once You said, "Kamu ga akan pernah sendirian"
And again, You proved it to me... as You always did.

So I thanked her as I was about to leave the church. And she gave me another card with Serenity Prayer on it.
She whispered "Pray to know God's will. Not your will, or your parents and your surrounding's will. I'll pray for you as well"

I couldn't say anything else then, just whispered thank you repeatedly.

And a slight of tears slipped down from my eyes.
To meet her there, I believe it wasn't a coincidence...

A miracle? Yes, it is...
Sesederhana itu.

what she gave me

Thank you old lady... You don't know how much your simple greeting meant for me :')

For I Finally Found You

With those long list about my flirting and playing history

With everything that I have stupidly done in the past

With all harsh judgement and assumption that ruining my reputation to the end

...

Yet you still take me as the way I am...

Never questioning why...

Never look down on me...

Thank you.

Yes, I finally found you :)

Kamu dalam Doaku

Kubawa kamu dalam doaku. Selalu

Sekedar mengingatkan Tuhanku

Kalau kamu, aku mau... :)

That night, my soul saw you and said...

"Ahhh..., there you are" :)

A bit of sign, God...

Would You?