Kembali Purnama

Hei purnama...
Kembali ya kita bertemu muka, pun di kotaku tercinta

Maaf ucapku sebelumnya, bahwa selamanya tidak akan lagi aku percaya

Purnama, silahkan lagi bercerita...
Kali ini akan kuimani dengan percaya.
Masih ada luka, tapi tidak apa.

Kumaafkan lagi saja, bahwa tidak ada cerita yang sempurna
Toh harapan akan selalu ada, selama aku terus mengucapkan syukur dan doa :)

...

Aku bingung harus merasa apa...
Pelan-pelan, syaraf demi syaraf mati di dalam dada
Mau sakit, tapi sakit macam apa?
Mau tidak terima, tapi apa mau dikata?

Tinggal sesak
Hingga pada titik...
Sebuah luka nyata, mungkin membantu raga

Ah, Sara... Kamu mulai gila

Saya masih ingin percaya...

Bahwa saya dijaga, selalu dijaga
Bahwa oleh semua, saya dicinta
Bahwa semua baik adanya

Bahwa tidak akan diberi ular berbisa kepada yang meminta roti
Bahwa indah semua yang Dia beri

Saya hanya perlu percaya...
Tanpa perlu benci,
tanpa perlu mengutuki

Seperti selalu, sebagaimana biasa, layaknya senantiasa

Those Careless Times...

I browsed through my iPhoto this morning, and I found this..
The picture of us
In those careless times.

It was two years ago, back in Yogya with dearly friends of mine.
With our laughs, looking for new adventure every each other days

I miss those careless times, careless laughs
When we still could laugh at our troubles, when cheers over glasses of beer/liquor could ease the pain.

Now I sound like an old lady -___-
But oh well, time goes on
We just couldn't stay young forever, that's I know surely

This just another thing I have to accept
Another chapter of life is about to begin...

I should understand more...

To those whom much is given, of him shall much be required.

-Luke 12: 48

I saw much in Facebook lately...
My friend from my previous campus in Yogya are getting married one by one.
I saw their wedding ceremony picture one after one, another after another.
And suddenly, this thought stroked my mind.

"What kind of thought? Do you want to get married as well?"
No, that's NOT the question. I don't feel any urge to rush it neither.
But I have this kind of thought...

I do look back to the days we were together and I remembered each of them
They are not kind of bright, smart, or ambitious people
They are all pretty ordinary
From the countryside, from a conservative family, studying for the sake of the degree, graduated then working as teacher in ordinary school, going to church every Sunday, involving much in their Church activities, and so on...
No ambition to be the best one, no desire for pursuing and learning another thing
Something I did consider boring at this whole time

But now, they all have a settled live
Still ordinary, but it seems calm without much drama and stuff
Experienced nothing broad, but satisfied with their modest life
Seeing nothing much, but enough with their simple world
Yeah, simple.... 
Studying, graduated, working, finding a similar partner, then married with no big celebration
Nothing extraordinary, but simply peaceful one.

I found it boring this whole time, as I have this big ambition of mine along the way...
I wanted to learn many things, I wanted to pursue a big dream and stuff
I ran here and there, experienced this and that, saw good and bad, did both behave and naughty.

I've been living in a grey line...
Have no regret, I have broader view of world than any of them by now
But in the mess like this,
I do wonder... If I did thrown every single ambition of mine since the beginning
If I did satisfy with those simple life...
Would my life be better than now?

"To those whom much is given, of him shall much be required."
I should understand more...

Don't Keep the Hatred. Let Go Before You Do

Everybody is fighting their own battle.
There's a life behind every smile.


Recently...
There are times I want to scream you coward
There are times I want to mad and angry at you
There are times I want to corner you and point my finger at you
There are times I want to cry and throw all harsh words to you


But I keep holding back...
For I know, you are fighting as well
You suffer as well
And I could couldn't have heart to do so...


But there are also times I feel the hatred starts growing unto me
...


Before it reaches me, then do I better let go?
Before it dims me even further now

Dan saya memilih untuk mengakhiri...

...
I said once, I've fought for you from the start and I'll keep fighting for you till the end
But apparently... I'm not strong enough...
I'm too tired crying and crying alone


"dan aku akan belajar lagi mencintai... sampai lelah"
Mungkin, kini aku sudah terlalu lelah...
atau mungkin, deep inside, aku berharap aku akan diperjuangkan?


Entahlah...
But a thing for sure..., I love you that much, that's why I let you go
that's why I set you free once again...
to reach what you want, to pursue what you dream about.
I couldn't let myself drag you down


Good bye, sayang...
yang terbaik semuanya buat kamu, itu saja doaku

#miracle

Watched MIB 3 last night, and one quote was striking right to me :)


"A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway."


Yeah, happens anyway...
Then I guess, you are my miracle :')


I love you already, my dear

Never Ever Been Easy

Yeah, it's never ever been easy for me
But somebody has to make decision and stand strong for it, because this cannot wait.


So here I am,
Still trying to smile and be grateful, though I'm unbearably scared inside
There's time I feel like I'm completely alone, but yet I know I'm not alone anymore


Be stronger, that's just what I have to do...
As before, as always

A Candle Light, For You...

Didn't feel really well since yesterday, but I went anyway today
Have a little trip with my Church's friends to Grotto in Portland, OR
(And yet have to shoot some footage for my documentary class as well though)

The Entrance

The Grotto

That was one of my favorite place to pray, here in states :)
And yes, managed to lighten up a candle with a prayer sent up above
I got teary eyes as I stood there... Just shown how special this wish are, this time.

It's for you, dear...
Be well...
I pray for Mother Mary taking care of you, so you'll be safe and sound within times
Until the time, when I see you


Hopefully this Christmas :')

When Rainbows End

The nightmare has turned real...

Cannot run, with it, i have to deal

Kertas hijau itu seperti malaikat maut bersembunyi di balik polosnya bulu domba
Seperti biasa, masih mencoba tersenyum
Masih mencoba bersyukur


Sepertinya DIA lagi-lagi tersenyum menggoda dan berkata,
"Setangguh apa sih kamu, Sara? Kucoba lagi ya?"


Silahkan Gusti...
Aku pasrah
Pada rencanaMu sajalah aku berserah 

Time Surely Flies

A year almost passes by
I still love you, more each passing day
It never ceases, even just a single ray

And yeah, just with you, forever I wanna stay

Looking at the Brighter Side

"Life is funny, isn't it? 

Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out,

just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something,

and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change,

the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and

east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction." 

-Cecelia Ahern (Where Rainbows End)

Hufff...

Yeah, suddenly the paths change, I guess...

Directing me to a truly-completely-unexpected path.

A nightmare has turned into reality now

But, looking at the brighter side, I know it could be worser.

So, I'll try to still be grateful and say "THANK YOU" again to Him

And the rest..., to be frank, still don't know what I should do

But I'll walk again, one step in time

Dan saya masih percaya, bahwa saya dijaga...

Selalu...

Negative...

Feel really lonely. Strange. Kinda empty inside. Hard to sleep. Yet so sleepy. Sorta tired mentally. Weird late period. Unproductive. Feeling distant with others. Unwanted. Left behind. 


Need a comfort hug, definitely not a simple 'basa basi' one


But, whatever...

Loneliness Kills, But....

"So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotion as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearning."  -Eat, Pray, Love

To be really honest, I have this kind of problem with loneliness.
Once before, that was the thing I was scared the most. 
I never could stand alone for too long...
With my own way, I always found somebody to lean on, a temporary pain killer for endure the lonely night and day.
I was weak with attention. If somebody showed it to me, then whoever it was, I would yearned for more.
Sometimes, thing that I craved the most was only having somebody to lay next to me, where I could sleep on their arms. Somebody who could offer me hug and warm embrace during the coldest night.


But as time goes by, I learned to live and make a peace agreement with the loneliness itself.
As I realized one day and found its true beauty, after a hurtful good-byes, I cheered it on over a glass of red wine at one little cafe on Melbourne's Alley. 
And started from there, I've been learning my way around it.


I guess it will always be a life-time process of learning... 
I'm just a human.
There always be a temptation for me to find another temporary place for me comforting myself during those lonely times.
Because loneliness still kills...


But this time, I'll just sit with it.
This cup of warm coffee is okay to help me bearing it.


I can endure it and I'm much stronger now
Having you, is just more than enough...

An Agreement with God... and the Result

Flash back to September 1st, when i made my first agreement with God Himself...

I was worried...
I was scared to the bone...
I was unsure...

I felt my path was pitch black and it headed nowhere...
I glanced and saw all the people followed their own path and left me behind
I looked around and saw all the fingers pointed at me "loser...loser..."

I stood alone, tried to believe... This was just a part of the law of process
I told myself, why I should be afraid after all of these times HE proved to me that HE has HIS own plan at HIS own time.
And yeah, long story short, I made an agreement with Him.

An agreement...
That I would shut down all negative voice in my head
That I would not care what other people thought
That I would care not about anything any longer, but focusing myself to fight my best
To win above myself, to reveal the best side of me
And let HIM take care the rest of it...
That's how we divided our work.

And here I am now... 4 months after the agreement we made.
I look back and smile....

After those downfall moment...
After those "loser" judgement from others...
Who would even guess that I would join in Garin Nugroho's crew making his new big film "Soegija"?
Who would even expect that the legend now knows me personally and acknowledges my quality?
Who would even think that finally I would make my way here and there, getting chance that not any people will get easily?

After learning a lot in pre-production and production time of Soegija, then getting a chance to join the shooting of Rako's Malaikat tanpa Sayap as an assistant of Script n Visual continuity, following by opportunity to help in Soegija's post production... Now I'm waiting for another shooting day of Hanung's Perahu Kertas.
Unexpectable. Unbelievable.

Here I am now...
Running in a very full-speed towards my dreams, catching up with all the time I've wasted during my galau phase...
I've grown and still growing to be a better and stronger person... Day by day...
Facing and encountering all the challenge directly while believing, i'll be stronger more that i could think about once all of this done

I made my entrance already to the dream I never knew I had
The rest is up to me...

Matur nuwun, Gusti...
Again, YOU proved it to me, YOU would never fail me.

And yeah, we made it :)