Saya masih ingin percaya...

Bahwa saya dijaga, selalu dijaga
Bahwa oleh semua, saya dicinta
Bahwa semua baik adanya

Bahwa tidak akan diberi ular berbisa kepada yang meminta roti
Bahwa indah semua yang Dia beri

Saya hanya perlu percaya...
Tanpa perlu benci,
tanpa perlu mengutuki

Seperti selalu, sebagaimana biasa, layaknya senantiasa

Those Careless Times...

I browsed through my iPhoto this morning, and I found this..
The picture of us
In those careless times.

It was two years ago, back in Yogya with dearly friends of mine.
With our laughs, looking for new adventure every each other days

I miss those careless times, careless laughs
When we still could laugh at our troubles, when cheers over glasses of beer/liquor could ease the pain.

Now I sound like an old lady -___-
But oh well, time goes on
We just couldn't stay young forever, that's I know surely

This just another thing I have to accept
Another chapter of life is about to begin...

I should understand more...

To those whom much is given, of him shall much be required.

-Luke 12: 48

I saw much in Facebook lately...
My friend from my previous campus in Yogya are getting married one by one.
I saw their wedding ceremony picture one after one, another after another.
And suddenly, this thought stroked my mind.

"What kind of thought? Do you want to get married as well?"
No, that's NOT the question. I don't feel any urge to rush it neither.
But I have this kind of thought...

I do look back to the days we were together and I remembered each of them
They are not kind of bright, smart, or ambitious people
They are all pretty ordinary
From the countryside, from a conservative family, studying for the sake of the degree, graduated then working as teacher in ordinary school, going to church every Sunday, involving much in their Church activities, and so on...
No ambition to be the best one, no desire for pursuing and learning another thing
Something I did consider boring at this whole time

But now, they all have a settled live
Still ordinary, but it seems calm without much drama and stuff
Experienced nothing broad, but satisfied with their modest life
Seeing nothing much, but enough with their simple world
Yeah, simple.... 
Studying, graduated, working, finding a similar partner, then married with no big celebration
Nothing extraordinary, but simply peaceful one.

I found it boring this whole time, as I have this big ambition of mine along the way...
I wanted to learn many things, I wanted to pursue a big dream and stuff
I ran here and there, experienced this and that, saw good and bad, did both behave and naughty.

I've been living in a grey line...
Have no regret, I have broader view of world than any of them by now
But in the mess like this,
I do wonder... If I did thrown every single ambition of mine since the beginning
If I did satisfy with those simple life...
Would my life be better than now?

"To those whom much is given, of him shall much be required."
I should understand more...

Don't Keep the Hatred. Let Go Before You Do

Everybody is fighting their own battle.
There's a life behind every smile.


Recently...
There are times I want to scream you coward
There are times I want to mad and angry at you
There are times I want to corner you and point my finger at you
There are times I want to cry and throw all harsh words to you


But I keep holding back...
For I know, you are fighting as well
You suffer as well
And I could couldn't have heart to do so...


But there are also times I feel the hatred starts growing unto me
...


Before it reaches me, then do I better let go?
Before it dims me even further now