When The Star Lost Its Shine

images are from here

What will be happen when a star, that used to show the lost soul their way back home, suddenly lost its shine and get lost?
That's the question that has been haunting me since the beginning of this year.

I hate to admit, but yet I'm currently messed up.
Somehow, I've been lost and don't know which direction I'm running to.
It feels like I've been exhausted mentally... I keep asking myself "Do you know where are you going to, Sara?"

People said "Run if you can, walk if you must, crawl if you have to. Just don't stop!"
I know I've been running the whole time, I rarely did walk or crawl.

Inside of me, there's tons of bright positive energy awaits to be shared to other. There's a strong will that drive me to do my best in everything I do. There's a spirit that makes me able to make something impossible become possible.
People who knows me well, know what kind of girl I am.
People who knows me well, know how I always smile sincerely to others and emits positive energy to my surrounding
People who knows me well, know how I pray to be the light that shines in the darkness and how I fight to make it true.

But right now, somehow I can't run... Neither even walk.
Somehow I feel exhausted and overwhelmed by random things.
The usual spirit inside somehow defected and I couldn't be the usual me that I used to be.

It's been happening since the beginning of this year,
yet at first I kept telling myself that I have to keep on running, at least walking.
I kept forcing myself to win this battle on my own.
I kept telling myself, I'm a strong girl....
Stronger that anybody could imagine. So I had to stand strong still.
I was lost but I kept insisting to shine to other people
And at the end, it just caused me lost more further and deeper.

images are from here

At one point, when it was more than what I could bear of.... I surrendered.
I cried for help to my dearest and closest people of mine....
I began to fall and broken, yet they reached out my hand and pulled me back...
I told them, I'm lost... I told them, I couldn't run anymore or even walk, even hardly crawl.
I'm scared to be blamed, I'm afraid to be judged

Yet, they all said the same thing...
"You need rest. It's fine. You've been so strong. You've been fighting your best along these time.
You've been putting other people first, more than yourself.
Even a hero has the right to be bleed.
Stop running. It's fine... It doesn't mean you give up.
Go retreat for a while and search within."

I cried...
I've been running and fighting my best. I always thought I'd need to always do so...
In order to be loved, in order to be accepted.
I'm exhausted but was afraid to left behind. I'm lost but was afraid to be judged.
I'm overwhelmed but was pretending to be strong and fine.
Little did I know, it just made all situation worser...
It filled me up inside with crankiness and negative emotion.
I lost even more...

But then I know I'm still loved, I'm still accepted. As the way I am.
I'm weak but dear, I'm crying but yet still dear.
It's fine like that, then it will be fine.
People who are dear to me understand, then the rest opinion, who cares?

images are from here

And so, now I take a step back and retreat...
I'm lost right now and I admit it.
But I know I'll be fine....

Therefore, to those I ever sparked my light to...
To those I ever showed your way back home and helped you shine once again...
Would you like to spark a bit of your light to me now?

This time, I think it's me that need a guiding light :)

Stella Pacis, All Over Again

Star of wonder, star of night

Star with royal beauty bright

Westward leading, still proceeding

Guide us to Thy perfect Light!

(We Three Kings of Orient Are)

Today, I was coming to church and having my first mass in 2011.

Frankly said, at first I was hesitated to come... (I'm not really a frequent church-goer #confession *sigh) but then I decided to come, since I thought it would be nice to start a brand new year with a good start. And I thought..., I simply need that.

Then at my first mass in 2011, I was really surprised to find out that we were celebrating epiphany, the manifestation of divine being of Jesus Christ to human being, that was represented by the Magi.

From the bible, we believe that not long after Jesus Christ was born in the small stall, there were three Magi Kings looking for Him, for the King of Jews that had been written by the prophets before.

As they were searching for him, there was one bright shining star that had been leading and guiding them through the dark night.

By it's help, they were able to find the baby Jesus there and did the homage to Him, the new born King.

I believe it wasn't a coincidence at all...

My first coming to church in 2011 and everything there was all about the star.

Bright star that guiding three Magi King to find Him and do the homage.

Bright shining star that proceeding them through the dark night and showing their path into Thy Light.

...

Bright shining star that leads and guides people through the darkest night...

Does it somehow ring a bell? ;)

Yeah... You guessed it right,

.... my concept of Stella Pacis... Star of peace :)

Yeah, star...

since the very first, since the beginning of human existence, star has been used as a guiding light

Star...

It shines brightly even in the darkest sky at night, so every lonely heart who tries to look above and gaze around will find a companion

Star...

It greets each lost soul, gives them hope, and shows them their way back home.

And today,

I believe it was another universe sign for me...

For reminding me... that above everything in this world, I just wanna be a star

For reminding me... that it's the only reason why I keep fighting my best until this present time

For reminding me... that in order to do so, firstly I have to find my own light that makes me able to shine for others

For reminding me... that I should not give up... though it still takes a long way to go :)

Stella Pacis, a star of peace

A star that shines for others and gives hope to everyone who see...

God, one day,

may I?

When Shit Happens

People might complain about lot of things, according to this accident

People might grumble about how unlucky they were

People might question God why He made them experiencing this kind of thing

People might be mad and blame their destiny

Me?

I'm just grateful... no other else

...

yes, there's some difficulties we need to take care of

yes, there might some expenses we need to pay for

yes, there's some injuries that we had

But...

I'm grateful that nobody had major injury...

I'm grateful that our insurance company was really helpful...

I'm grateful that the paramedic and doctor treated us right...

I'm grateful that we still stayed together...

I'm grateful, because I know it could be worser.

And most of all...

I'm grateful that I can still be grateful and give YOU thanks :')

Thanks for keeping us safe...

Thanks for helping me to see the bright side of this accident...

Thanks for not letting me swearing horrible words...

Thanks for still putting a smile on my face...

And, thanks...

for granting me enough faith to keep giving YOU thanks..

Surely, this is a best Christmas present ever from YOU :)

Never Let Go, Never Say Goodbye

Sahabat itu diuji oleh waktu...

Siapa yang selalu ada di samping kita dan mendukung kita dalam setiap pergulatan hidup.

Yang mengerti saat kita susah meski tanpa kita bicara

Yang menarik saat kita menjauh

Yang bertahan saat diterpa kesalahpahaman

Yang memeluk saat kita menangis

Yang ikut bahagia saat kita tersenyum.

Yang ikut bangga saat kita berhasil.

Bukan yang hanya melihat lalu menikam dari belakang.

Bukan yang ada dengan perhatian palsu saat kita kesulitan.

Bukan yang terpaku saat salah satu menjauh

Bukan yang menjauh saat salah paham menerpa

Bukan yang hanya diam saat kita menangis

Bukan yang sinis saat kita bahagia

dan jelas bukan yang iri saat kita berhasil...

Hanya waktu yang bisa menunjukan...

siapa sahabat sejati, siapa bukan...

Dan untuk kalian, sahabat...

Biarpun sekarang kita terpisah jauh, jarak juga waktu

Tapi kita tahu, kita akan selalu ada untuk satu sama lain.

"Sahabat Selamanya"

(Sara Lea Tunas, 11 November 2009)

Yesterday, I did hurt and broken...

Yesterday, I did want to give up and let go

I did thought, if I was about to be left behind again... then let it be.

Since it always be the same pattern of story all over again...

Since I pretty used with that...

I did thought, it would be fine for me still...

I'm a strong girl, more than others could imagine, so those little fact wouldn't bring me down at all

I could take it sincerely... for not expecting any return for everything I did...

Though there's no one for me to count on, I still can count on my own self.

I know I'm strong enough for that.

Though there's no one that reach back my hand to pull me off from despair

Though I count 4, 3, 2... and voila, no one there...

Though...

Hurt, of course, but overall... I'm fine...

Knowing they do well, it's more than enough....

I can take it and let them go.... as long they are happy, as long they are smiling...

If it's only me that cherish them that much, but I'm not that important...

Then let it be :)

But later then. today... reading my own writing a year ago, slapped me directly on my face...

Time will reveal who is the one that we can call as "friend"...

who's the one who standing near us in good times and bad times

who's understand when one in need, without any need to say words or explanation

who's holding us and cry with us in the hard times

who's proud of us and smile with us in the happy times

That part, I know it soooooo well....

But I did forget one thing,

that friendship is not only about standing together, holding, crying, and cheering up in sad times, or smiling in the good times...

There's one more thing that people not really realized...

One more thing that makes lot of friendship breaks and fall apart.

One more important thing that makes a good long friends becomes a stranger...

We forgot...

That friendship is also about the one who's holding on and reminding when the other one starts to run away.

The one that fighting when the other one forget to do so.

Not the one who standing still, letting go, and looking quietly at other one's back that starts walking further, alone

Not the one who do nothing, when the bond starts disappear.

Friendship comes to an end, when one don't care anymore when the other ones run away...

When one chooses not to reach the other ones' hand and asks to stay...

No matter what reason is...

No matter it's for a good thought or a good wish...

The result is same: the distance expands between, soon becomes nothing but emptiness, changes story to history.

Counting on each other, when one in need... That's just how it suppose to be...

It is not about expecting the return from what one already did, when the other one was in need...

It's not like "hey, I've cheered you up, so it's time for you to cheer me up, so we're even!"...

but it's just like... "We're completing each other weakness, because we both cannot survive the otherwise"

Because there's no other way.

So, when a friend just forget to do so, when we starts counting 4, 3, 2, and they are not coming...

when a friend starts walking faster and leaves us behind...

It's our obligation to hold them on...

To let them know, "hey... I'm here, and I need you"

and ask them to stay...

and remind them... about how we used to cherish each other on.

Before one day, when it's too late already, we both will look back and said regretfully:

"Why did she NOT remind me?" and "Why did I NOT remind them?"

"Why did we NOT ask each other to stay?"

Because the world is forgetting, by the world forgot.

Friendship wasn't born as the way it is...

The bond isn't there because it was there since beginning...

Need an effort to keep cherishing each other as a gift, in good times and bad times.

As for me...

I'm really good at understanding sincerely and accepting people as the way they are patiently...

I'm also really good at putting other's people happiness before mine and letting them go to reach it after me...

But now, i guess it's time for me to learn...

not only stand quietly, watching them walk away and say 'let it be'

but how to hold them on close... if I do consider them as a dear person for me

Because that's what friends supposed to do.

Never let go, never say good bye.

Just... Sad... Again, Left Behind...

You can count on me like 1 2 3, I'll be there

And I know when I need it I can count on you like 4 3 2, and you'll be there

Cause that's what friends are supposed to do

(Count on Me - Bruno Mars)

For you...

Once we are friend, I'll sail the world to find you, I'll be your light when you're lost.

Whenever you ever need me, you always know I'm just a bbm or ym or twitter away...

Once you even just wrote twit with galau tone, I knew, something happened with you.. though you didn't mention me, I would ask... and wishing I could make you feel better...

You can always count on me, like 1 2, 3, and I'll be there...

You'll always have my shoulder, 24/7... just whenever you feel like needing a friend to stand beside you.

When the universe seemed conspired to bring you down, I'll be there to cheer you up again.

Anytime... in every circumstances...

Yeah, isn't it what friends supposed to do?

I always thought, I will always have those shoulder too for me...

Until last night, when I burdened up and didn't know how to explain, I just need you to be there...

Then I just told you, I was galau without any particular reason...

And I did count you like 4, 3, 2, and I thought you would be there...

I did count, but you didn't come...

and so I just cried alone.

Image are from here

Well....

Then I thought... was I wrong for expecting you would be there?

Or I was just too selfish for hoping so?

And got lost between those thought: by hoping you would be there, wasn't it meant that I expecting a return for what I did before?

wasn't it meant that I did the whole of thing before insincerely?

Then, I did feel like hating myself to the bone last night...

And so I just tried to let go...

I did pray...

God, grant me a sincere heart. That's all, Enough for me.

A sincere heart, for keep standing strong to cheer people up in the middle of people hard times, and to be forgotten afterwards

A sincere heart, for not expecting anything in return..., not even people for coming when I count 4, 3, 2...

Maybe God just thought that I'm stronger beyond my own expectation...

And maybe I really am because this pattern has been repeated in circle again and again since loooong way before....

People came in their hard times, and left me behind afterwards, when their happy times came...

Forgot everything, forgot who had been crying with them, when they already smiled...

It has been always the same story... Different person, different situation, but same old pattern.

If I thought of it, then I'm pretty much prepared...

But still, it's just... sad. For being left behind, once again.

But oh well, I just need to build myself stronger than before, when there're no one for me to count on... As simple as that.

And I still can count 4, 3, 2 to my own self though.... as what I always did along these times.

If God gives me this circumstances, then I bet HE knows that I could make the best of it...

And HE knows I'm strong enough to bear it of :')

And so, here... I'll close my babbling about this 'counting on each other' thing

I'll let it go and try to not question it anymore...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

(Prayer of St. Francis)

And for you, my dear friend...

You know, you can always count on me...

I'll still sail through the world to find you. I'll still be your light when you're lost.

My shoulder are yours, anytime... to make you feel better, to cheer you up.

Because I just want to know that you are happy, to see you smile...

though then I'm forgotten afterwards, then let it be...

You can always count 3, 2, 1, and I'll be there no matter what... for you.

For Every Tears that Falls Down

taken and edited by me

That's the pattern...

As there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.

As everything happens for reasons.

Just wait...

For My Country, Indonesia

From the Ayu Utami's Book - Bilangan Fu

Taken and edited by me

"For my country, Indonesia

whom, sadly, I love still"

I can't agree more...

Stupid and egoistic government

Traffic jam here and there

Fuckin' bureaucracy: structure, procedures, and protocols

Narrow-minded religious leaders with their stupid religion issues

and so on.

It would take pages to describe how bad my country is...

But, even you give me million reason to give up on it, to hate it to the bone...

I can't do that.

no matter what... it's my own country, my motherland,

where I was born and raised up... where I spent most of my life...

where I will be back one day...

...

whom, with heart broken, I'm proud of and I love...,

sadly and still.