Loneliness Kills, But....

"So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotion as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearning."  -Eat, Pray, Love

To be really honest, I have this kind of problem with loneliness.
Once before, that was the thing I was scared the most. 
I never could stand alone for too long...
With my own way, I always found somebody to lean on, a temporary pain killer for endure the lonely night and day.
I was weak with attention. If somebody showed it to me, then whoever it was, I would yearned for more.
Sometimes, thing that I craved the most was only having somebody to lay next to me, where I could sleep on their arms. Somebody who could offer me hug and warm embrace during the coldest night.


But as time goes by, I learned to live and make a peace agreement with the loneliness itself.
As I realized one day and found its true beauty, after a hurtful good-byes, I cheered it on over a glass of red wine at one little cafe on Melbourne's Alley. 
And started from there, I've been learning my way around it.


I guess it will always be a life-time process of learning... 
I'm just a human.
There always be a temptation for me to find another temporary place for me comforting myself during those lonely times.
Because loneliness still kills...


But this time, I'll just sit with it.
This cup of warm coffee is okay to help me bearing it.


I can endure it and I'm much stronger now
Having you, is just more than enough...

A Thing that Worth Fighting For

Beside a natural flirter, I'm also a natural fighter, apparently :)

Once I find something that worth fighting for, I won't stop until I get it.

No matter what it will take, no matter what it will cost.

I guess it applies in love, as well ;)

...

Been knowing him for almost 2 years, but never really talked before.

Until one night after my #AussieTrip 3 months ago, casually I sent him an ordinary Happy Easter message, which somehow led us into a bbm chat for hours and hours.

We stopped only because we had to sleep, and later the next day, it continued...

Day by day.

I had nothing in mind, but I felt he was a good friend to talk about everything.

Can you imagine, we could talk randomly from life, spirituality, naughty things, sex, God and religion at the same time.

The conversation that night finally led us into a scheduled beer talk later one day.

A beer talk that worth each second :)

Since then, I felt closer to him... but never thought about the possibility of being more than friends.

I knew he had a fiancee already, and I just recovered from my broken heart phase.

I was too tired about starting a new story afterall.

Having a good friend to talk about everything was more than enough.

But, apparently somewhere in my deepest heart kept telling me

"hey, I think, he's for you, Sara."

Immediately I rejected that thought...

"for me? Are you kidding me? He already has a fiancee, tolol!"

I kept rejecting that idea even we were getting closer day by day...

Even I guess I got attracted to him already.

But as I listened to his story, I just couldn't help thinking,

"Is he happy with her? If he isn't, why should he wasted his time with a person that couldn't appreciate him well? while I guess, I could treat him better?"

Started from then, I questioned my heart, should I fight for it?

Should I put myself as a third person in someone's relationship again?

Blon kapok, Sar? :p

Shouldn't I be afraid about what other people think about me if they knew?

Shouldn't I tired being a secret in front of anyone else?

Shouldn't I tired to be put aside after somebody else's sake?

There were times I almost gave up completely...

Battling with my thought, my worries, and reality.

Then I thought and I told myself

Hey, doesn't a girl named Sara Lea Tunas never give up before she fight her best?

Hey, isn't it my right to fight and give him another option, while it's his right to refuse?

Hey, about what other people think, preketekkk... I never care about it since before anyway

Hey, maybe it'll hurt, but aren't I already get used with this kind of pain?

So yah... there I fought my best...

And surrendered...

What would be, let it be... I was only giving him an option...

But if at the end he chose the otherwise, what could I say...

There I would give up.

Seriously, I just wanted seeing him happy... That's all I wished for

He just deserve to be loved....

Along the way...

Sometimes it was hurt... Sometimes it numbed me from inside...

Sometimes I cried... Sometimes I considered about give up and walked away...

Sometimes I got angry with myself, why again I put myself into another mess like these?

But the very end I almost gave up, these little voice inside whispered me...

"Endure it a little more... just endure it a bit more"

"ya ollooooh, berjuang Sar! fiancee doaaang, janur kuning belon melengkung woyy. Masih ada kesempatan berjuang! Biasanya kamu udah no hope sama suami orang je" xD

"I guess, dia buat kamu kok, Sar..."

For a moment in time, Daniel Bedingfield's If You're Not The One was my soundtrack of life.

Hahahaha :))

"I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?"

Yes, this might sound silly...

But somehow I knew I did the right thing to keep fighting

despite what other people might think :)

And I believed if it's fate, there would be a way.

If it's not, then I would just let go... as always, as before.

And long story short, after all of dramas along the way...

After tears and bleeding heart...

Here we are :)

Again, it's not a sweet fairy tale...

This just a story, about two people that already too tired of dramas and broken heated

About two people that really want to be together in a good way.

There's no such a happily ever after.

It was tough from the start, and there will be another tough times, I know.

But I've fought for it, and I'll keep fighting for it.

Because I know, he is one thing in life that worth fighting for :)

There's a Time for Everything part 2

Yes, nothing last forever and there's a time for everything.
All over again :)

Too many updates happened since the last time i wrote the blogpost.

But well, the funny thing about life is.... when you finally begin to plan something and think that you know where you're going to, suddenly the path change...
And yes, it did happen...

I went back home on the journey to find back my own light and met my dearest people.
I looked for comfort and strength, for companion on my hardest moment of time
Yet...,
I got ignored by person who I thought would care of me...
I broke up with my boyfriend (well, i should say my ex then)...
Then at the same time, when i ran into my good friend, my emergency button.
The last hope i could rely on, the best one i could talk to...., but things got really complicated.
Lot of things going on...
And long story short, another goodbye exist.

Alone, it hit me bad.
Just like universe went against me in everything, left me completely alone.
And I fell further down and hit the ground.
Scattered... Broken into pieces.
Completely lost with no one to run to and to comfort me...

And there was a week I fell to the lowest point of my life.
A week i spent with tired fake smile, just to make world see that i seemed okay.
A week of no spark in my eyes, only pain that shined there.
A week of with grey aura...
With friends I was laughing, but feel nothing
With beer and tequila every other night, sitting on the corner of Lucifer bar
With non stop cigarets smoke, blowed from my mouth (when actually i was clean from smoking thingy before)
Why did I do so? Dunno...
Because sometimes, the feeling is beyond words....
"dan ada hal-hal yang cuma bisa dilegakan oleh hembusan asap", that was my friend told me....
I was simply dying inside

But then after a week being broken, I just feel enough
tried to remember... And to accept...
There's a time for everything....
A time to hold on and a time to let go.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
And these words, all over again, simply true.

"Nothing is forever and the time comes when we must say goodbye to the world we know.
Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted. Goodbye to those we thought would never abandon us.
And when these changes finally do occur,
when the familiar has departed and the unfamiliar has taken its place,
all any of us can really do is to say hello and welcome."
- Desperate Housewives -

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept.
There are people we can't live without but have to let go.
I just have to let go. It will be okay.

If people comes to our path for reasons, God takes them away for a MUCH BETTER reason.
Their purpose in my life is simply done. The prayer I sent above has granted.
Time to move on.

Then I just felt enough with my down and lost phase...
And funny, after I accept all the situation and this hurtful moment,
I feel much better than what i felt these last couple months.
I feel lighter inside....
If I felt that It was completely pitch black in front of me before, suddenly I see the ray of light
I began to step further and gathered every pieces of me that scattered.

After falling down to the lowest point, the empty space that left for me is to climb up above.
And that's what I'm doing now. Slowly but sure...

And I'll be okay soon...
And i know.... The star inside of me, starts shining again, once more :)

And now, for all of you that stayed with me at my downfall moment...THANK YOU!
I do really grateful for having you all in my life...
*hug and kisses

When The Star Lost Its Shine

images are from here

What will be happen when a star, that used to show the lost soul their way back home, suddenly lost its shine and get lost?
That's the question that has been haunting me since the beginning of this year.

I hate to admit, but yet I'm currently messed up.
Somehow, I've been lost and don't know which direction I'm running to.
It feels like I've been exhausted mentally... I keep asking myself "Do you know where are you going to, Sara?"

People said "Run if you can, walk if you must, crawl if you have to. Just don't stop!"
I know I've been running the whole time, I rarely did walk or crawl.

Inside of me, there's tons of bright positive energy awaits to be shared to other. There's a strong will that drive me to do my best in everything I do. There's a spirit that makes me able to make something impossible become possible.
People who knows me well, know what kind of girl I am.
People who knows me well, know how I always smile sincerely to others and emits positive energy to my surrounding
People who knows me well, know how I pray to be the light that shines in the darkness and how I fight to make it true.

But right now, somehow I can't run... Neither even walk.
Somehow I feel exhausted and overwhelmed by random things.
The usual spirit inside somehow defected and I couldn't be the usual me that I used to be.

It's been happening since the beginning of this year,
yet at first I kept telling myself that I have to keep on running, at least walking.
I kept forcing myself to win this battle on my own.
I kept telling myself, I'm a strong girl....
Stronger that anybody could imagine. So I had to stand strong still.
I was lost but I kept insisting to shine to other people
And at the end, it just caused me lost more further and deeper.

images are from here

At one point, when it was more than what I could bear of.... I surrendered.
I cried for help to my dearest and closest people of mine....
I began to fall and broken, yet they reached out my hand and pulled me back...
I told them, I'm lost... I told them, I couldn't run anymore or even walk, even hardly crawl.
I'm scared to be blamed, I'm afraid to be judged

Yet, they all said the same thing...
"You need rest. It's fine. You've been so strong. You've been fighting your best along these time.
You've been putting other people first, more than yourself.
Even a hero has the right to be bleed.
Stop running. It's fine... It doesn't mean you give up.
Go retreat for a while and search within."

I cried...
I've been running and fighting my best. I always thought I'd need to always do so...
In order to be loved, in order to be accepted.
I'm exhausted but was afraid to left behind. I'm lost but was afraid to be judged.
I'm overwhelmed but was pretending to be strong and fine.
Little did I know, it just made all situation worser...
It filled me up inside with crankiness and negative emotion.
I lost even more...

But then I know I'm still loved, I'm still accepted. As the way I am.
I'm weak but dear, I'm crying but yet still dear.
It's fine like that, then it will be fine.
People who are dear to me understand, then the rest opinion, who cares?

images are from here

And so, now I take a step back and retreat...
I'm lost right now and I admit it.
But I know I'll be fine....

Therefore, to those I ever sparked my light to...
To those I ever showed your way back home and helped you shine once again...
Would you like to spark a bit of your light to me now?

This time, I think it's me that need a guiding light :)

Today

Again, long hiatus time...

Have I told you that now I'm in Indonesia already? Specifically, at Yogyakarta... my second hometown :)

Currently, doing the TVC for Yogyakomtek 2010, the same one like what I did last year.

Well, since I'm now in the middle of post production time, I spend most of the time in front of my laptop and After Effect, in my room. Frankly say, I need some refreshment.

This morning, moved by spontaneity, I went to Kalikuning bridge with Olly and a bunch of his friends. They were planning to try the new flash, while me? just wondering around and hunting pictures :)

Since years ago, Kalikuning area were the place where I was used to. I used to stay over at my friend's place near there and took a walk around in the morning.

And today, when I took a walk again after about 2 years, the feeling was simply unexplainable :)

In the middle of fresh morning air, surrounded by the greenness. I suddenly felt free and peaceful.

Excited and couldn't stop smiling.

Surely it brought back the memories: same place, different situation, and of course different feeling.

It felt like ...

...

"I'm coming back home, but with full gear now"

Like, the "me" who walked around was no longer the same clueless girl as before.

The "me" that took the same route was no longer the so-called-innocent girl as before

It was no longer the dependent girl that always relied on under the protection of surrounding.

Sara that walked around this morning know what she wants to do in life and what she will fight for.

She knows what she's special about

and she also knows what she can be proud of, about herself.

And I began to realize...

This is my own light I've been searching for.

Maybe not as bright as what I was hoping about, but yes it shines now.

As I start to get my self-confidence and fight my best to enhance the talent I have

Slowly but sure, I know it will be brighter as day goes by... because I know I will never stops.

And I felt completely blessed

Thanks God for this feeling

Thanks for making me feel this way :)

Time Flies

Yesterday was a first birthday of the baby of my good friend.

I almost couldn't believe, that it's been a year already since that little sunshine was born.

It still feel like yesterday when I heard the news and congratulated her father with all the best wishes.

Time really flies without I even realize :)

And that point turned me into thinking...

Funny, eh? Don't you think so?

It's just funny to see how time flied fast and suddenly a year has passed already.

Many thing has happened, things started and another things ended...

People came and went away, left their footprints on my life and changed me little by little.

Surrounded by a nostalgic feeling, I remember my old friendster page, which I never opened it again since a long time ago.

Yeah, it felt like a nostalgia, because a year ago, I still used my Friendster page... and not so long after my friend's baby was born, I made my facebook account and left Friendster untouched anymore.

So I thought, there was no place better than Friendster to see the old "me" a year ago.

Then I opened it again, looking back to those phase of my life... Trying to see me myself a year ago in all my blog written, comment, and also picture.

And I was speechless...

Yeah, I got really surprised by seeing all of those. It turned become another prove how time could do so much and changed a lot of things within a year.

I've changed a lot.

Not in a bad point, I guess...

I mean... the "inner" side of me still remain the same...

But when I compared myself now to the old me, I could see how my world seemed getting wider in one year time being.

The way I thought and feel has been different than before, and also the way I look.

Moreover..., I could see, a year ago... I was still pretend to be a so-called-innocent person; a catholic teacher in high school and seminary, choir conductor, and really a typical of church person. I was so naive and lived on my comfort zone.

But within a year, I left my comfort zone and become stronger and more realistic in life. I've revealed the rebel and flirtatious side of me and I tried to leave the innocent mask of me. Slowly, I begin to take myself the way I am, not only in good side but also in my not-so-good side, and count it all as a blessing in my life.

Well... Life goes on, I guess :)

Now I'm pretty excited to see where life will take me to this year and what kind of person I will be in another one year after.

And I still believe, as long as I walk through every happiness and sadness, joyful and sorrowful time... Everything will turn into good at the right time :)

So, I welcome you to my life

Been about a year since I broke up with my fiancee-to-be.

Been single along the time, even the people came and went away in my life.

Simply because I wasn't ready yet to make a new commitment, yet I was really afraid.

I almost couldn't count how many people I've hurt before and how many promises I couldn't fulfill. And if people judged me as a heartbreaker, I bet they couldn't imagine that it was hurt me too, more than them.

If people thought that it was easier to be the one who left rather that be the one who been left... hahaha... I just could laugh.

They were totally wrong :)

As for me, hurting or breaking other people heart is the last thing I want to do in this world. And if I had a choice, I rather hurt myself than other people.

But... it was a process in life; like it or not.... I had to take it.

So... it's been a year since I set myself free from any commitment :)

A year of freedom that I never experienced in about the last 6 years.

There were people came and went in those 6 years; whenever I broke up, there was a rebounded boy already waiting for me.

It made me tired. Tired of seeing people hurt because of me, tired of seeing they lost their spirit because I left them.

Even I knew time would heal and all those experiences would make them grew older and wiser.

Even I knew it would be happen to them as it happened to me as well.

But well..., after a year putting myself on hold and enjoying the freedom of mine; I guess it's time for me to pack all of the past and find what truly last. If I never tried, I would never ever know what will last for truly.

"The only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability..."

Nothing predictable in this life...

I never know my luck if I never try and move on.

So..., I welcome you to my life, dear

Let's walk together...

I'll try to make the best of me in the process of growing up together along with you, and I hope you'll do the same.

We'll see, where this path will take us to...

And if it ends where both of us can be together, let it be.

But if somehow we couldn't make it..., I hope we still can learn from our journey and be a better person than before :)

I believe that every people in this world meet each other for a reason,

then let's see together...., what the reason for us :)

And once again,

Welcome to my life, dear :)