Time Surely Flies

A year almost passes by
I still love you, more each passing day
It never ceases, even just a single ray

And yeah, just with you, forever I wanna stay

Looking at the Brighter Side

"Life is funny, isn't it? 

Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out,

just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something,

and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change,

the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and

east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction." 

-Cecelia Ahern (Where Rainbows End)

Hufff...

Yeah, suddenly the paths change, I guess...

Directing me to a truly-completely-unexpected path.

A nightmare has turned into reality now

But, looking at the brighter side, I know it could be worser.

So, I'll try to still be grateful and say "THANK YOU" again to Him

And the rest..., to be frank, still don't know what I should do

But I'll walk again, one step in time

Dan saya masih percaya, bahwa saya dijaga...

Selalu...

Negative...

Feel really lonely. Strange. Kinda empty inside. Hard to sleep. Yet so sleepy. Sorta tired mentally. Weird late period. Unproductive. Feeling distant with others. Unwanted. Left behind. 


Need a comfort hug, definitely not a simple 'basa basi' one


But, whatever...

Loneliness Kills, But....

"So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotion as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearning."  -Eat, Pray, Love

To be really honest, I have this kind of problem with loneliness.
Once before, that was the thing I was scared the most. 
I never could stand alone for too long...
With my own way, I always found somebody to lean on, a temporary pain killer for endure the lonely night and day.
I was weak with attention. If somebody showed it to me, then whoever it was, I would yearned for more.
Sometimes, thing that I craved the most was only having somebody to lay next to me, where I could sleep on their arms. Somebody who could offer me hug and warm embrace during the coldest night.


But as time goes by, I learned to live and make a peace agreement with the loneliness itself.
As I realized one day and found its true beauty, after a hurtful good-byes, I cheered it on over a glass of red wine at one little cafe on Melbourne's Alley. 
And started from there, I've been learning my way around it.


I guess it will always be a life-time process of learning... 
I'm just a human.
There always be a temptation for me to find another temporary place for me comforting myself during those lonely times.
Because loneliness still kills...


But this time, I'll just sit with it.
This cup of warm coffee is okay to help me bearing it.


I can endure it and I'm much stronger now
Having you, is just more than enough...

An Agreement with God... and the Result

Flash back to September 1st, when i made my first agreement with God Himself...

I was worried...
I was scared to the bone...
I was unsure...

I felt my path was pitch black and it headed nowhere...
I glanced and saw all the people followed their own path and left me behind
I looked around and saw all the fingers pointed at me "loser...loser..."

I stood alone, tried to believe... This was just a part of the law of process
I told myself, why I should be afraid after all of these times HE proved to me that HE has HIS own plan at HIS own time.
And yeah, long story short, I made an agreement with Him.

An agreement...
That I would shut down all negative voice in my head
That I would not care what other people thought
That I would care not about anything any longer, but focusing myself to fight my best
To win above myself, to reveal the best side of me
And let HIM take care the rest of it...
That's how we divided our work.

And here I am now... 4 months after the agreement we made.
I look back and smile....

After those downfall moment...
After those "loser" judgement from others...
Who would even guess that I would join in Garin Nugroho's crew making his new big film "Soegija"?
Who would even expect that the legend now knows me personally and acknowledges my quality?
Who would even think that finally I would make my way here and there, getting chance that not any people will get easily?

After learning a lot in pre-production and production time of Soegija, then getting a chance to join the shooting of Rako's Malaikat tanpa Sayap as an assistant of Script n Visual continuity, following by opportunity to help in Soegija's post production... Now I'm waiting for another shooting day of Hanung's Perahu Kertas.
Unexpectable. Unbelievable.

Here I am now...
Running in a very full-speed towards my dreams, catching up with all the time I've wasted during my galau phase...
I've grown and still growing to be a better and stronger person... Day by day...
Facing and encountering all the challenge directly while believing, i'll be stronger more that i could think about once all of this done

I made my entrance already to the dream I never knew I had
The rest is up to me...

Matur nuwun, Gusti...
Again, YOU proved it to me, YOU would never fail me.

And yeah, we made it :)

An Agreement with God

And He said to them, "Why are you timid and afraid, O you of little faith?"

Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great and wonderful calm.

- Matt 8:26

After whining and whining for days to Him about my never-ending-anxiety,

finally today we reached our win-win solution and decided our agreement already.

So, I told Him...

This is me and from this day forward,

I promise I'll try to stop worrying about who I will become, what happen that will be on my way, and what path should I choose.

I'll try to stop questioning why I have to feel this kind of crisis, why all things seem so unsure, why I have to endure this never-ending-black-tunnel-that-seems-lead-me-nowhere, and so on.

Yet, I'll start to re-build myself and re-new my fighting spirit.

I told Him, I wouldn't care anything else, but declaring the war between me and the-me-that-blocking-my-path.

Because, I know now..., the only person that standing on my way is myself.

She's the only one I have to fight off....

And that will be my main and only job.

For the compensation on His part...

I asked Him to take this anxiety off from me.

I gave it to Him and told Him to take care of it, because I don't want to be bothered by it anymore.

Whatever it is, now it's on His hand already... It's not my problem any longer.

So, simply said, we will divide the work...

He will be focusing Himself on transforming my anxiety into something good in the future, while I will be focusing to fight myself off to reveal the best side of me.

That's our deal.

We shook our hands already.

And we both agreed :D

-Seattle, September 1st 2011

Semoga Tuhan tidak bosan mendengar namamu...

yang kusebut selalu dalam doaku :)

Love you, Yudha Sancaka